Thriving in the Holidays
The holidays.
All holidays carry memories. Holidays in n many cultures carry the feeling of a gathering or a community of family and friends. And when one person is missing because they died or left the family, that carries a heavy empty loss for everyone and maybe for you in particular.
Maybe you lost your spouse or life partner and you hate being the only one at the festivities.
Or you lost a child and remembering their joy at past holiday gatherings weighs heavy on your heart.
Or you always celebrate on a certain day with your best friend and without that special person, you feel lost and left out of the joy.
How do you create joy for yourself with different friends or in different ways?
I have a client who always travels somewhere special for the holidays to explore a new place on her own. She could not do that right after she lost her partner. It took years for her to examine and unpack her feelings and her fears and to find the courage to uncover what she really desired. It turned out she realized she hated the way Christmas in particular became so commercial, and her daughter married a rabbi and converted to Judaism so my client re-imagined a brand new adventure for herself on December 25th.
That is one example. I also know people who celebrate on the Winter Solstice or find the New Year’s Eve celebration their favorite event.
The important thing is to know your celebrations may look different if you lose the person you always spent holidays with. It will feel sad and heavy and you may not want to even face any kind of gathering all by yourself. It is common to feel this way and I invite you to think about options. Maybe you will want to limit your parties or ask for just a few good friends to be with you.
Think about what you need. Consider how you can ask others to support you. Maybe you show up for one holiday dinner and not a long weekend. Maybe you ask your adult children to invite you to their house instead of you doing all the cooking and arranging.Maybe you ask your best friend to go out to dinner with you and then give you time alone if you need it. Or go see a movie. Travel to see a friend you miss. Or…like my client…do something totally different and travel somewhere you always wanted to see.
What should you try to avoid?
Try to avoid too much time feeling miserable because your holidays will not be the same. You will never get those holidays back and spending time feeling regrets will not bring them back.
Use your energy to create new memories.
Re-imagine your life ahead and create an action plan.
And try not to feel like you are the keeper of holiday magic. If you lost your spouse of 50 years and your adult children still expect you to perform holiday magic for them and your grandchildren, you may need to have a talk with them and help them understand that changes must happen.
In my profession I see a lot of clients experiencing stress during the holiday season because their own desires are not considered and they do not know how to express what they need.And if you are suffering from a loss in your life or maybe another struggle you face, it is important to ask for help.
And whatever kind of cultural tradition you hold dear, remember the purpose, the intention behind the tradition or the history of the ritual and try not to allow other influences interrupt your new found joy.
Kumari Patricia
Perhaps the holidays are a struggle because you lost a person you cared deeply about and you are not feeling festive and social. Maybe you need some support and you are not sure how to seek counseling or where to begin in your healing.
My course is a video series that you can watch or listen to at your own pace, take notes, reflect on the suggestions I make and examine all the pain points where you are stuck in the grieving process. I am offering it to you at a special price which is generally less than the cost of one therapy session.
Consider it as a gift to yourself., your well-being and your healing as you wrap up 2025.