Have you ever wondered why grief is so hard to talk about?

When your heart is broken and you lose someone you love, or you lose anything that holds enormous meaning in your life, it can feel impossible to find words to express the pain. There is a void in your heart that reaches to your head, and you cannot find words to express the sadness.

So, I suggest…do not speak about it. Do not even try to form a sentence out loud.

Instead, consider the way you can communicate in other ways. Let me explain.

In some cultures, silence is honored in grief. Sometimes there is a period of time to observe silence, and maybe certain colors are worn to express the grieving. In other cultures, there are ceremonial dances, rituals, or other communal gatherings held to recognize the person who has recently transitioned.

It is common not to have words, and yet we expect those suffering in grief to speak their pain. When we are sitting with a grieving person, the silence feels awkward, and we want to say something…anything. The silence bothers us.

But does it bother the person grieving?

Generally, when grief is experienced, other people, friends, and family want to help. They want to do something. They want to take away the pain. They think words will solve the misery.  However, the person grieving needs to feel the pain on a deep, cellular level because if they do not feel it, then healing cannot begin.

We all know people who lose someone they love, and they return to their daily life the next day. We say they are in denial, and that might be true or maybe the person wants to feel the grief differently. And they need to be ready to grieve.

Some clients come to me years and years after a loss. Some were in sheer denial, and then something happened that crushes the way they feel they are coping.  Maybe another big loss hits them, or they become sick, or they lose their house in a fire, or they lose their job.

Something happens to throw them back to the past when they loved and lost and they never faced the grief.

When a client tells me they lost someone in their life and it was a decade ago and they were fine and they moved on but nothing in life fell into place and they were hanging by a thread, then I realized…they needed to grieve. But not everyone needs a therapist to support their grief.

Not everyone needs to speak words of their grief.

Not everyone wants to have others surrounding them during their grieving, yet we all think the way others have told us to grieve is exactly what we should do.

I believe grieving looks different for everyone.

Sadly, we live in a social world where we think we must conform to what others think of us. We often value their opinions over our own. When tragedy hits, we stop trusting ourselves. We run from the angry feelings, and we think pushing anger and bitterness away is part of healing.

I say run to your anger. Release it. Let it flow over you.

The same with the enormous sadness, regret, blame, guilt, and maybe shame you could feel.

And if you have no words and cannot talk through the pain, I say take it to the trees. Take the grief to a forest and sit. Weep. Write. Dance your pain. Draw your pain.

We do not all have words at the time we think we should have them.

If you believe you are not healing, then simply have that conversation with yourself as to what it is you think will help. Aside from something self-destructive, I bet you will know what you need.

Of course, friends and family can be supportive, and they will have ideas for you, but trusting yourself first is most important. If you need to isolate, then do that. You will know when the isolation is neurotic and harmful. If you see that happening, then ask for help. I am here if you need me. I have courses you can take or book a virtual session, or a session at Kumari of the Woods.

I am a counselor and a grief coach. Sometimes I am needed to help steer the healing process, but most of the time I know my client has all she needs inside of her to heal.  She simply does not trust herself.

In your healing, find ways that support you that you feel you need. I highly recommend walking slowly and in the natural world, and finding a way to look up at the trees. They speak your language. Our landscape knows pain.

Take yourself into a forest and find a good spot to sit. Rest. And you may find the words to talk to the trees.

kumari patricia